Well, it has been over half a week since I was emancipated; however, it has been strangely anticlimactic. Despite going out more than I have at any time this year (which is basically anything above zilch), I still find myself at home wasting time on Facebook as 'one uber net junkie', as Timmy calls it. Before you judge me, however, I must say that it is immensely difficult to discard your surrogate social life, step out into the real world and pursue an actual life outside cyberspace. However, there were a few things that aroused some non-sexual excitement.

Firstly, Tuesday was my long-awaited learners' permit test. Having done several practice tests the night before, I was optimistic. However, I must advise future drivers NEVER to boast about your common sense when you so blatantly lack it.
The following is an excerpt from an MSN conversation, if you'll excuse the teenage profanities (I thought it was C):
mel says:
"when is a road likely to be most slippery"
A: when it hasnt rained for weeks
B: when it just started raining
C: when it has been raining for a long time
fkn hell waste of my energy studying for this shit
LOL FUCKING HELL WHAT THE FUCK
i got that question wrong
Van 大車 says:
HAHA
WTF mel
mel says:
*cries*
i cant believe that
note to self
dont ever brag about your non-existent common sense
sighhhhhhh
Van 大車 says:
haha
dw
dw
How absolutely humiliating that was. Even with several people's patient explanations, the Physics student failed to grasp the concept of a slippery road. However, I gleefully made my way to VicRoads for my 10:50am appointment (having memorised that the answer is B), and laughed at the poor souls who had been waiting many an hour for the sluggish service. I suppose it aptly reflects on how they'd like us to drive. How boring.

The lady who served us was also excruciatingly slow. After resolutely avoiding eye contact and engaging in a conversation with her friend, she turned around, muttered to us in monotone and tapped my details into the computer with the dreaded 'two-finger-type'. LEARN TO TOUCHTYPE, WOMAN. After getting stuck and waiting for help from her colleague because another genius employee misspelled our home address, Mum and I were clearly unimpressed. Thus, we did the only thing Asians can do in such a situation: we bitched in Chinese right in front of her as she slaved away on the computer. Imagine the horror when we heard the ladies saying "Right, this girl's name is... Melissa... er, Yee... Chee... Tam...?"
"哎哟！这些死guai-lou，为什么她这样笨的?!"
"她真的好像个老人，真慢!"
It is important to note that it is customary for Asians to pass caustic comments with the sweetest of smiles taped across our faces. No, Asians indeed do not backstab; they simply plunge their verbal machetes right into your chest!

Moreover, there was a little laugh to be had at the girl next to me. When asked to read the second line on an alphabet chart for the eyetest, she seemed rather bamboozled, squinted and said "School's back on?" Although she was referring to the second advertising poster at the far end of the office, at least her eyesight was good.

If you are wondering, yes, I did pass my test. I answered one extremely dodgy parking times question incorrectly because IT HAD NO CORRECT ANSWER. Incoherent ranting aside, I got 97%, which means I must suffer eternal shame as compared to the majority of my friends, all of whom scored 100%. And yes, I did get an atrocious licence photo as usual, although it wasn't as much of an eyesore as my passport photo. Hurrah.

However, before I could even consider being a hazard to every human life on the road, I went shopping with Claudia with a stack of resumes kindly donated/forced out of Matt. Yes, mine was quite literally a virtual carbon copy of his. Though turned away by the bogan and skank stores and sent off with a smirk and roll of the eye, I was euphoric to find that all the Asian-owned stores seemed to be keen on my resume, due to the fabulous 'Asian Affinity'. Indeed, whenever in predominantly Western countries, if two Asians meet, they will invariably bond; look out for each other; meet up for some mahjong and dinner and then argue about who pays for it. It's a fact of life.

After returning home, I was further elated to find that my uncle had arrived, which meant that I could now go for my first drive. Bringing my wonderfully disgusting licence and purchasing L plates at the local $2 shop (as if you would buy the VicRoads one for $20 when you can buy a cheap lead-coated Chinese knockoff), I was driven to a small gravel carpark to practise. Although almost dying from the thrill of even sitting in the drivers' seat, it quickly gave way to panic as I couldn't turn the gear to Drive, and almost jerked into a pole. Lovely. However, this quickly subsided as I managed to circle the carpark several times with the nifty incentive of not killing my uncle.

That's right, although I had to endure a barrage of insults from obnoxious cousins during our family/staff dinner, I have yet to produce a fatality! Unless of course, you don't count the fact that my half-hour drive shortened my uncle's life by approximately ten years.

-Mel

Labels: Milestones, Outings, Society

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