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No responsibility will be accepted by the author for the wastage of your valuable time whilst reading this. Any claims that she has forced you to visit this site in order to inflate her ego will go ignored, and will only go to show your vulnerability to the author's exceptional persuasive skills as developed in Year 12 English. That is all.

Bonne vivante. Raconteur. Procrastinator.

Today was another bludge at school, which blatantly supports my theory that this is, in fact, the eye of a horrific storm. Fellow sloths, enjoy the sunshine while it lasts.

Speaking of eyes, today was the very first day that my peers had seen me in my new glasses. Walking down the corridor, I felt extremely self-conscious yet studious as the gaze of passers-by remained fixated on my face. Or perhaps they were staring at the two legged zebra behind me?

School consisted of nothing but working lessons, which was both refreshing and unnerving at the same time. Most notable was Chemistry, in which the class spent two periods watching as our teacher Ms Aicolina helped her Chemistry students with their Mathematical conundrums and tried (and failed) to solve a 2x2x2 Rubik's Cube. Joyce managed to solve the Cube a total of about fifteen hundred million times, whilst shoving the result in our stunned teacher's and my face. Well, at least I can proudly declare that I was one of the most productive members of the class, having completed half a redox question within a period of two hours. Hurrah!

Unfortunately, school was not as relaxed our heavenly Chemistry lesson, as our substitute English teacher determinedly prowled the halls in search of yours truly and her language analysis oral.

"Hello, Melissa. Just the person I was looking for. Were you ill yesterday?"

"Of... course..."

"Wow, you look very good today."

"Um, thank you."

Smooth.

However, although wagging school in lieu of absorbing valuable knowledge is viewed as a heinous crime, it is simply frowned upon by teachers, due to the fact that this is Presbyterian Ladies' College. We must, must, must, above all, achieve, or face the frightening prospect of being disowned, disparaged and shunned by the College. I hear you ask, "What? But I've never heard of anyone getting shunned by their own school." Exactly.

Thus, I performed my oral during lunchtime, and managed to earn a few "Very Highs" in Mr Morrisey's books. The following is an excerpt:

It is human nature to scrutinize, speculate and gossip about the rich, the famous and the glamorous, particularly when they fall from grace. When celebrities' dirty secrets are exposed, the vulnerable human being hiding behind those designer clothes or rippling muscles are laid bare before the vultures that are the general public. In fact, the plebeians thrive on feeling superior to the superior, and thus strongly believe on their 'right to know'.

In other news, I ate a Krispy Kreme doughnut for the first time (a Year 11 girl, knowing the enormous demand for these balls of sugar and saturated fat, shrewdly sold the bite-sized stomachaches for double the retail price) as well as a banana today, which is considered a rarity among the plebeians for obvious financial reasons in a banana-deprived Australia. Patricians, here I come.

-Melanana

PS. Happy Halloween!

Labels: Maths, Meh, School

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I am proud to announce that at about 10pm last night, I picked up the Neap 2006 Exam Two and regained my mathematical mojo. I worked until midnight, and despite the fact that the quality and accuracy of work was not what it used to be, I am recovering from my recent bout of Mathspox.

Realising that there was nothing much to do at school today besides the possibility of an oral and Chinese dictation that I'd very much prefer to avoid, I decided to pull a Pauline and stay at home while my energy lasted. However, I still woke up at the usual time of 7:30am (which is really 6:30am thanks to the pest that is Daylight Saving). Brilliant.

For the rest of the day, I picked up random papers in an unusually disorganised manner (okay, the mojo hasn't really fully returned yet...) and systematically completed each one, unless I felt the traces of my Mathspox returning. I confess, it isn't exactly the best way to spend a nice spring day, but there are only four more days. Argh.

However, today seemed like an ominously productive and laid back day amidst all the chaos and carnage in the Year 11 Maths Methods class village, which prompted me to dub it 'the Eye of the Storm': it probably won't last, but hey, it's pleasant.

Anyway, the wintry storm that is the Mathematical Methods exam is looming, and the spirited sloth may have to retreat under her metaphorical Everest of trial exams and hibernate. If she does not return before the exams, rest assured that she is studying in a very unslothly manner.

-Mel

Labels: Maths, Meh, School

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(And again, no, I'm not just referring to Maths).

Well, I must finally admit defeat. I am officially burnt out. Spurred on by the diligence and general hard work of my peers, I vowed to do at least one practice exam per day. However, I have committed perfidy of sorts in that I have capitulated and have not done at least one exam per day. In fact, I did not even complete the IARTV Exam One last night, and instead opted to sleep at the early time of about 9pm. Pure bliss, although it did not do wonders for my conscience.

I confess, I felt extremely 'burnt out' last night, and could not muster up the energy nor the will to do Maths. Argh, I'm sick of it all. I know I must persist, and that I must must must apply myself for the final five days (oh my god), but I really cannot. Perhaps I must, for the very first time in my life, turn to coffee in spite of its horrendous taste. Must stay awake.

But the title of this post is not just an allusion to my mathematical hell, but to the unusual developments in my weekly bike ride with the Chinaman (Bap), my brother and my dog Chloe (yes, she actually keeps up and runs with us for about 10km every week). Deciding that we should take a new route today in lieu of the monotonous Dandenong Creek Trail, we decided to cross a bridge situated next to the pony farm after Chloe had enough of her weekly gambol with the startled ponies. Instead, we made our way towards what we thought was Ringwood Lake.

After getting lost and finding ourselves on a massive train track, we turned around and headed up a hilly track that ran parallel to the road. It started off quite easy, and was basically a smooth path. However, it began to get steeper and steeper, and I could hear the clicking of the bike gears around me, which made it slightly easier to climb the mountainous track. As we neared the summit, a police car turned off the road and parked in front of me. I attempted to continue riding up the hill, avoiding any eye contact with the menacing police officers. However, it was too late: they signalled me to come.

Yes, I was frightened. But who wouldn't be? Perhaps they were going to book me for letting my dog run alongside us without a leash? But as I approached the car, the amiable officer gave me a smile. Apparently, they had seen me with a helmet, and wanted my name and address in order to enter me into the VicRoads SafeCycle Mountain Bike draw as a reward. Phew! However, I was uncertain because A: I was terrified and did not really hear anything they were saying to me, and B: I had a suspicion they were paedophiles collecting the addresses of naive little children. Unsure, I called the unfortunately helmetless Chinaman to come over.

"Bap! You're in trouble!"

The policemen laughed at my cheek; surely, he wasn't going to come now.

"Hey, they're going to fine you. Have you got any cash on you?"

In amusement, I watched as the Chinaman's face withered: he slowed down and probably contemplated whether he should just turn around and run. Yes, very intelligent: I'm sure the policemen in the police car were not going to catch him... But eventually, he did arrive, and apologized profusely for any and every reason that he could think of: "I swear I didn't steal the free range eggs from the shop. I didn't know! I thought they were regular eggs!" Smooth.

However, my brother and I did eventually enter the competition and got some nice SafeCycle stickers to show off our safety. Stupidly, I stuck it on the left side of my bicycle, and because we ride on the left in Australia, it would remain invisible to passers-by. The Chinaman vowed to buy a helmet as soon as he got home. Of course he would.

As our fear subsided, we turned around and coasted at full speed back to the bottom of the hill (infinitely more enjoyable than the ascent). Even Chloe managed to keep up with us at speeds of about 40kph.

As we returned, the Chinaman, in true Chinaman style, asked me:

"Did you give them our address?"

"Yes, Bap."

"Ai yah, Chui Yi, how could you simply give our address to these people? You know they can simply knock on the door and abduct you people without us knowing? Why you so naive?"

"Bap... They're the police."

Ah, some people never change.

-Mel

Labels: Maths, Outings

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Today was my RSPCA training session, where I learnt how not to be an embarrassment to the Royal Society. Well, tried, anyway.

I got up at the crack of dawn (in Melspeak, that's 8:30am) and was driven by Mum to the local RSPCA in Burwood. A group of about ten people including myself were treated to a guided tour in the arcane "Staff Only" areas as well as a lecture. It was smelly but enlightening in that I discovered that fully grown and mature adults could reduce themselves to googoogaga Babyspeak when in close proximity of a particularly fuzzy puppy. In fact, I too suffer from this condition, which is also known as Gooboobiddimiddiwoowoo Syndrome. Careful, it's going 'round.

We were taken through the clinic by a vivacious nurse at 9:30am, who showed us the wards, theatres and pathology labs among others. Next, we were taken through the animal shelters; however, I was disappointed to see that there was not a single bunyip up for adoption. Shame on them! We were again struck by the Gooboobiddimiddiwoowoo Syndrome when we toured the adoption centre and saw gorgeous doe-eyed puppies and Beagles wagging their tails at prospective parents. Aww!

The touring component of today's training session ended by 10:30am, where we were lead to a conference room (ooh, how formal) to receive a lecture by another vivacious staff member on animal handling. It was extremely informative and useful, and managed to systematically prove that each and every one of my own methods of handling my dog Chloe is absolutely wrong. Excellent. Well, she doesn't seem to mind anyway. And so, by 11:30am, we came out as unofficial volunteers. Respect us.

In other news, I have recently come up with my Year 12 quote for next year. The Year 12 quote always frightened me as I struggled to find anything remotely witty yet inspirational. However, I have found something that at the very least, satisfies the former:

"Maths is like an addiction. You hate doing it, but you feel like crap if you don't."
-Melissa Tam

For all those that are frantically cramming every scrap of knowledge pertaining to Mathematical Methods Units 3/4, tell me it isn't true.

-Mel

Labels: Outings

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Today marks the beginning of the VCE exams for the Year 12s. Terror flows through my veins.

Today marks the one week mark on the proverbial egg timer, which counts down the days, hours and seconds till my Mathematical Methods exam. Pure undiluted fear courses through my veins.

But enough with the fear.

On a lighter note, we had a cake-testing session today (ie a full on pig out whereby otherwise thin and health conscious PLC girls would gorge themselves with full fat cream), which was exquisite. I'd like to extend a warm thank you to Miss Van Tran for providing us with tiramisu and strawberry topped cheesecake in a successful attempt to sabotage our body images and our overall health. Hooray! Argh, my stomach hurt after the tiramisu, though. I hate coffee.

Furthermore, today was Free Dress Day. Well, it wasnt as light. Free Dress Day is also known to some as Teebee Day or Ho-Ho-Ho Day (not to be confused with the jolly man himself), where PLC girls dress up in order to out-skank each other in a ditch to impress non-existent males. Much to my despair, I could not join them today due to the lacklustre pieces of winter clothing in my bedroom. So I was left to feel self-conscious and very un-TB due to the fact that my only accessory was my pair of school studs. SHOCK HORROR.

What could possibly be even more un-TB would be my new pair of glasses. This is due to the fact that they seem to suit everybody else better than they suit their new owner, yours truly. Oh well, at least I can actually see now. Without my glasses, everything is again obscured in a fuzzy blur, which is frightening. The rapid deterioration of my eyes unnerves me.

However, thinking about it, I suppose it opens up many new opportunities. A: it makes me look infinitely more studious than I actually am, and B: it opens up a new and exciting world for pick up lines.

-Mel-No-Ho

PS. The campaign for a greener future in the Tam household is proving to be extremely arduous. When I tentatively suggested to Bap that we change to Green Power, his eyes widened in incredulity, and his mouth opened in horror. Perhaps he thought Green Power had something to do with marijuana. But no, in true Chinamanesque fashion, he spent the next half an hour scolding me for even contemplating saving the planet for posterity. Yes, how dare I.

Labels: Maths, Milestones, Rants, School

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"The era of procrastination, of half-measures, of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays, is coming to a close. In its place, we are entering a period of consequences."
- Winston Churchill

(No, I'm not just talking about Maths).

Yesterday was our much-anticipated Physics excursion to the Rivoli Cinema to see Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth' as part of our Alternative Energy Sources unit. Yes, we crossed over to the dark side that is Camberwell (by dark, I mean highbrow and snobby, cough cough). Well, any excuse to escape the deadly clutches of a GM* test.

After the first period which felt strangely like a sixth, we were bussed to the cinemas.

The cinema was filled with pensioners, and us hoodlums ploughed in exuberantly clutching our $4 (I remember when they were $2.20, those money-hungry corporate swindlers) Choctops and $6.50 popcorn (we were coaxed into buying the medium in lieu of the small for a *mere* 50c!).

Following an hour of two of shocking statistics, painful projections and nightmarish animations (sorry, I ran out of alliterations), we were gripping our seats in terror. Everybody was truly freaked out. Example: if Greenland, Antarctica or a combination of those were to melt, which, by the way, is very soon at the rate we're going, the sea level would rise by 20 feet. No, this did not have the shock factor until I converted this mentally to 8 metres, thanks to those stupid Americans. But this figure means that half of the country of Indian will be underwater, displacing about half a billion people. The entire city of Beijing would be fully engulfed by this terrible flooding, which would surely affect several million lives. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Pauline shivering. We were then treated to a detailed animation of the flood water seeping up the continents, amidst shouts of "Dear God, no! Make it stop!" coming from the students around me.

By the end of the film, we had seen the horror of it all (no, I'm not referring to the occasional instances of shameless propaganda for Al Gore). It was the end of the era of frivolous use of electricity on our parts, and the end of our ignorance. Empowered, we vowed to make a difference, because, according to dear old Mr Gore's line and bar graphs, it is really and truly possible.

In fact, last night has seen many physicists sending MSN chain messages - much to the annoyance to our selfish, unenlightened peers - desperately pleading them to change to renewable energy. It hasn't worked so far, but I guess I shall keep you updated...

Yesterday was another end of an era, when I looked at my MSN space for the last time. It was deleted in order to make room my heart for Blogspot. Please take a moment to remember my dear MSN space. Lest we forget.

-Mel

PS. Seriously though, go Green (no, I'm not talking politically) and switch your energy account to renewable energy. I believe it is at no extra cost and is easily done online. Make the difference.

Labels: Milestones, Outings, School

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With a growing blurriness clouding my view of the whiteboards in PLC classrooms within a mere fortnight, I have come to realise that my vision is deteriorating at an alarming rate.

Worried that my vision impediment would hinder my endeavour to bring the Tam family fame and most importantly, fortune, Mum (I welcome any suggestions for her blogdonym, ie. a pseudonym-slash-nickname I will henceforth refer to her as) booked me to see the optometrist on Tuesday afternoon.

I sacrificed some precious Maths-Methodising-in-Library time, took the correct (hallelujah) bus to Knox City. I met my Mum at the optometrist; however, this was a different one. Instead of bringing me to the shoddy Myer Optical Superstore in the loneliest corner of the shopping centre, she took me to a swanky Eyecare Centre with impressive glass doors. Hey, anything for a glass door.

I met my new optometrist, and after round after round of exhaustive questions, he determined that I did not, in fact, have an infectious disease, led me into the examination room and smiled at me. Yes, he could already tell that I was getting blind at the tender age of fifteen. Or perhaps it was because I walked into the wall.

Immediately after I settled into the comfortable optometrist chair (it is not as intimidating as the dreaded dentist chair... it can move up and down!), it was time for the eye tests. Dread washed over me as memories of my previous eye tests inundated my mind. How can you possibly fail an eye test? Yes...

After looking at my own eye nerves (frighteningly awesome), the optometrist asked me to read the bottom line. Well, where is it exactly? I could barely see the first one. As I began to individually stab each letter in the dark ("Ummmm, ummmm, F... A... I...... ummm, L?"), my optometrist furrowed his brow.

"Er, these are numbers."

Hmm.

Not long after, he found that I had 20-20 vision for things up-close, but I was diagnosed with myopia (aka short-sightedness for the laymen). Funny, the trainee optometrist at Myer maintained for three consecutive years that I was long-sighted (hyperopic I think). Hmm. Furthermore, I was told that I only used one eye at any one time, and did not use them simultaneously. This was proved when he asked me to describe what was reflected in the mirror. I described in detail a dot and two lines. There were four.

Thus, I was prescribed low-power (thank god it wasn't worse) glasses whilst Mum cried out "Ai yah, how could you not see that?!" in disdain.

After humouring a nice lady in order to keep her in a good mood while I wasted her precious time rejecting the nice frames she offered me, I finally found an okay plastic Versus (sadly not Versace) pair. Not bad, although they cost $100 more than those spectacles at Myer (whose lenses and screws fall out at regular intervals).

And so begin my myopic adventures, which involve both my parents laughing at the fact that I am now the one that cannot see. Hurrah.

-Melopic

Labels: Milestones, Outings

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Dearest Fellow Spirited Sloths,

Amidst the frenzied studying for my upcoming exams, I have still failed to ignore the nagging twitch at the back of my mind that demands a blog relocation.

Although MSN spaces and Myspace do have their merits, the barren wasteland that was my blog has failed to attract many visitors (or at least their comments), with the exception of the odd ravenous vulture (ie my friend Pauline, who strikingly resembles an ostrich/vulture/emu).

Hence, I have decided to move my blog to Blogspot, probably for the last time because my computer is temperamental and quite frankly, sick of Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V.

So, fellow sloths, be assured that there are more witty wisecracks to come. Not necessarily from me, though.

-Mel, the spirited sloth

Labels: Blog

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