Following a bout of last-day-of-school-term-itis, I found myself with a 3 GIGABYTE monster named 'The Sims 2' on my hard drive.

Although it took me several nights to get it up and running without erratic errors and menacing messages, I was rewarded handsomely for my pains, and the following words were announced coolly from my speakers: "EA Games: Challenge Everything". My heart was fluttering with anticipation. It was going to be The Sims 1 plus more. By the time the soothing Muzak began to play, my brother was looking on with bemusement and a greenness much like the trademark Sim beacon (in case you didn't know, I am implying jealousy). Ah, home sim home.

After spending much time lovingly creating a Sim in my own image (yes, I even used my photo as a model) and thus feeling like God, I was all set to spend my time in a simulated and virtual reality away from my fellow humans (who at that time, were pestering me about mathematics and calculus, much to my fright and revulsion).

All went well for the first, oh let's just say twenty minutes, when my Sim got her bearings and became accustomed to what was going to be her sweet (albeit squashed and tacky) home. She made a friend and even outstripped her controller in cooking skills when she learnt how to make 'Chilli Con Carne'. I was proud. Then suddenly, when she made her moves on an unsuspecting lout named Kennedy Cox (and unwittingly fell in love for no apparent reason), she froze in a wooden pose à la Mischa Barton on the OC. It was the beginning of the end.

The night continued in that fashion, and I have hence compiled a list of why you should not bother visiting Pleasantvile in Simtown in lieu of the real world.

If you don't want:

• Friendly 'friends' visiting your Sim baby; cooing softly to it; carrying it lovingly; remembering that they too, have cleaning to do at home; walking away without saying goodbye WHILST CARRYING YOUR BELOVED BABY and never ever ever seeing it again. That's right, BEWARE: your baby is in danger of disappearing off the face of the cyber earth. That's not the part I'm worried about, however. Four words: social services are coming.
• Teddy bears floating ominously in thin air after your Sim child has finished playing with it. It's unnatural and morally wrong.
• Ugly men (with whom you would only like to stay friends) who get turned on and develop crushes on your poor Sim after playing an innocuous game of social chess.
• Your Sim previcaciously wanting to pash that ugly man.
• Stupidity abound when uninvited acquaintances clog your Sim's toilet.
• Stupidity abound when uninvited acquaintances watch the TV at 2am while your Sim is TRYING to sleep, and wake them up to tell them they have to go home and pee because they just clogged your toilet.
• Stupidity abound when uninvited acquaintances create a fire by taking packaged potato chips from your fridge.
• Stupidity abound when acquaintances sabotage your Sim's flourishing friendship when they attempt to propose to you whilst they are still acquaintances, and hence resulting in no friends.
• Your Sim throwing a tantrum at you when you request her to go to the toilet.
• Your Sim going to work and inconsiderately leaving you staring at empty space for the 8 hours that they are absent.
• Your Sim taking 2 precious Sim hours to urinate.
• Your Sim having romantic relations with the Rubber Plant when drunk.
• The necessity of watering your RUBBER Plant.
• Your Sim going to bed but forgetting to sleep.
• The female French Maid stealing your Sim's male fiance and trying on your female Sim's clothes.
• The male Plumber stealing your Sim's male fiance and trying on your female Sim's clothes.

BUT MOST OF ALL:

If you don't want:

• Your computer to simultaneously freeze and combust in front of your very eyes every 15 to 20 minutes.

Do not get The Sims 2.

I'll leave it to the 40 year old virgins. It's nice to be back in the real world.

-SiMel

Labels: Entertainment, Rants

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