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No responsibility will be accepted by the author for the wastage of your valuable time whilst reading this. Any claims that she has forced you to visit this site in order to inflate her ego will go ignored, and will only go to show your vulnerability to the author's exceptional persuasive skills as developed in Year 12 English. That is all.

Bonne vivante. Raconteur. Procrastinator.

That awkward moment when you tell your young cousin at the dinner table about dating and that "white guys do it better", and it's ambiguous what you really meant.

Excuse me while I file that under #AcceptableWaysOfConversingWithAsianRelatives

Labels: Random

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Melissa Tam says (10:16 PM)
it's okay tommy
i know you're highbrow
i know you're above watching jersey shore
haha
Tommy Wu says (10:16 PM)
no no
its like
unbelievable
how shows like that exist/survive
i cant believe it
Melissa Tam says (10:17 PM)
people are getting stupider and stupider these days
hahah
maybe they want televisual pulp to keep them entertained
hey brb imma watch gossip girl

Yes, Gossip Girl viewers lower the national IQ average by 10 points. Yes, the storylines have gotten so repetitive that it's become a parody of itself. I know, I know. But I've stuck with it through 4 seasons and counting, and like a pudgy, balding husband that used to be bangin' 17 years and 3 kids ago, I feel committed to it, mmkay?

Labels: TV

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I've decided not to buy another pair of high waisted shorts until I give up on solid foods, extract my lower two ribs and possess Kim Kardashian's ass. This seems unlikely thanks to my Asian genes - I have the curves of a tabletop.

Blogging these days seems as passé as Australian Idol and phones without touchscreens. Shame.

Labels: Fashion

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After months of coveting and fruitless eBay trawls, I have finally located my elusive Holy Grail booties - a pair of Chloé A/W 06 Silverado shoes. My recent eBay binge is probably my way of rebelling against the mountainous pile of Actuarial Modelling that awaits me, but I could not be happier.

In a few days, these babies will be mine. Be prepared for a potential onslaught of pretentious, fashion-bloggeresque snapshots.

-Mél

Labels: Fashion

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I was talking to Swee about GuYz and <3 (as girls do). Mathematical modelling ensued.

Labels: Ramblings

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My my, it has been a while. But in defence, 140 character tweets are oh-so palatable, and involve approximately 0.0315 times the effort. Twitter is like the ADHD-suffering little brother of the subdued, sophisticated Blogspot. So I ask, how could a sloth of the ADHD-riddled iPod Generation resist migrating her musings to Twitter?

To tell you the truth, I have been morphing into quite a bon vivant over the past year. Much to the disdain of my wallet, I have taken every opportunity while working at Finity and Access Economics to sample the best 1-hour-is-all-I-have lunches in Melbourne CBD. So, spurred by my natural propensity to bitch (and MoVida’s uppity waiters), I even entertained the idea of starting a food blog and christening it “the-bon-vivant” or something to that effect. That was until I realised that I was way too lazy to even maintain one blog, and rebuked myself for even wasting energy thinking about it.

Now please excuse me while I sleep off my latest spiel.

- Mel at twitter.com/meltam

Labels: Blog, Meh

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True to form, my laziness has prevented me from chronicling any adventure since July. However, with the Actuarial Students' Society Vision 2009 publication almost as barren as Julia Gillard in terms of articles, I was requested as the Face of the ASS for 2010 to pen an article for sponsors and students. I confess, churning out an entire piece without baring any potentially unemployable characteristics was quite a struggle.

So, in an attempt to appear like a diligent blogger, I've decided to post my article up.

Actuaries who are Actuarially Cool

As a self-professed maths nerd, the doting mother of four calculators and someone who regularly uses “nerd” as a verb, I feel no shame in proclaiming that nerd jokes are my guilty pleasure. Whether it is milking puns out of π or chuckling at esoteric calculus jokes, academic humour is a favourite pastime of yours truly. However, a Google trawl of the phrase “actuarial jokes” cements popular belief that actuaries are nothing more than a bunch of nerds who deify Terence Tao, attain their personal nirvana in annuity evaluation and think that being sexy is to be the secant of c.

I beg to differ. Whilst I concede that I am in possession of a T-shirt with “sec(c)” emblazoned across it, I am an average uni student. I am willing to admit that like most of my peers, I derive great joy from dissecting the latest TV drama scandals; crooning 90s anthems into tortured microphones at karaoke; engorging myself on hearty lunches in the CBD; spending hours entangled in the time-engulfing black hole of YouTube; going on road trips with music blaring at full volume; or joining a taskforce of girlfriends, arming ourselves with measly student wages and stimulating the economy at Chadstone. That’s right: actuaries are capable of having fun, and do have a normal life outside pricing fixed interest investments.

As the President-Elect of the Actuarial Students’ Society, I am hoping to remedy the public misconception that actuaries are human calculators with the personality of a park bench and the heart of a Connex inspector. With the creation of a new Sponsorship Officer position and an overhaul of committee members’ roles and responsibilities, the society’s 2010 Committee has a clearer vision than ever to work efficiently and seamlessly, to forge links between sponsors and students and fund a barrage of exciting new social events next year.

Sponsors are integral to our society’s operation (10 actuarial points to those who were instantly reminded of calculus), so we will ensure that by supporting the society, strong relationships will be built to provide company promotion, exposure to a pool of highly talented and promising students as well as involvement in students’ university lives through a series of social and careers events. Students will be informed of the opportunities available to them as they are released from the fetters of structured education and commence working in the Real World (unless they’ve already had a brief tryst with McDonalds or Kmart).

Moreover, with the help of our sponsors, we aim to fulfil our role as a student society, which is essentially to build bridges, bring together and involve fellow actuaries through the organisation of more events. Hence, I’m eagerly looking forward to next year, as the Actuarial Students’ Society will debunk the erroneous public idea that "actuarial jokes" are oxymoronic, and that actuaries are as cool as a solar-powered sauna on the surface of the sun.

- La Presidente Mel

Labels: Maths, Uni, Work

6 comment(s)

It's been one and a half years since my torrid affair with the faceless beast commonly referred to as a VCE English Essay; instead, I have been growing intimate with a very eligible Bachelor of Commerce. Hence, I fear that any last vestiges of linguistic flair will be strapped to a cinder block and plunged into a sea of syntax-abusive, Louis-Vuitton-toting fobs. Indeed, a cursory skim of my blog visitor statistics showed that my blog was somehow referred to by a Google search for "不会说英文了 anymore", which translates to "can't speak English anymore". Encouraging.
So here's hoping that blahging will be the buoy to my floundering English skills, such that 我会说英文.

Anyway, preamble aside, I am currently approaching the tail end of holidays: the sweet sweet reprieve after the exam period, which I will 'affectionately' remember as an era of doom, death, despair and distributions. Unfortunately, I'm currently in a state of penury.

Inspired by The Breakfast Blog and spurred by shameless food porn on Masterchef, I have found a new hobby in splurging on ambrosial brunches with Swee: the only one crazy enough to pay more than $5.95 for breakfast. In a sadistic twist, I have posted the tantalising food porn on Facebook for those missing out. I went on a trip to Lorne with the lovely Monass kids last week, and had the time of my life playing Monopoly, Sardines and watching inebriated friends play Kings; had the occasional (but expensive) jaunt to DFO; bought a new pair of Bvlgari ubernerd glasses; attended a vintage clothing market with Ciara in the hallowed, diamond-encrusted suburb of Camberwell; watched Harry Potter (nerd brigade unite) and Transformers amidst an audience of pubescent boys (who got their $15.50 worth in Megan Fox's décolletage).

Hence, it's not hard to figure out why here I am sitting here whittling through the rest of the winter break with little more than an empty wallet and an unabated internet habit to keep me warm.

-Meli$$a

PS. Somehow, my blog was also referred to by a Facebook group entitled "Sexcellent". Well isn't that sexciting?

Labels: Blog, Meh

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Humans are selfish, hedonistic creatures; incontrovertibly and immutably. I am not being jaded or condemnatory.

As much as our individual creeds may vary, we all have one united objective: to maximise our happiness. All humans are equipped with the reasoning skills to assess pros and cons, and will make the most rational decision to bring the greatest expected benefit to them. Such benefits may be “selfless” in that others may benefit more than you (especially in a material sense); however, the inherent sense of satisfaction or enjoyment you may feel from helping others still offers a personal happiness that outranks other alternatives. This is essentially selfishness, but not in the awful, heartless meaning that is propagated. After talking to Brendan yesterday about his involvement with the Oaktree foundation, he admitted that his involvement was ultimately selfish, due to the intrinsic joy he derives from helping others. This is a case in point: selflessness and selfishness coincide.

Moreover, whilst one may extract happiness from a morally sound life devoted to God, another may flourish in the shallow thrills of promiscuity, booze or hard drugs. The latter may be called to mind when hedonism is mentioned; however, both are hedonistic. Perhaps one is seen as more “morally degenerate” than the other, but apart from different preferences, the actions are identical: the pursuit of happiness.

There is nothing wrong with selfishness and hedonism: they are fundamental pillars of human nature. Rather, it is our methods to achieve them that may be condemned.

-Mel

Labels: Ramblings

2 comment(s)

The prospect of epically failing second year university exams is again looming, and I am feeling much like a married man whose wife is commencing her monthly menstrual cycle: dread, coupled with the irrepressible urge to escape the house and lament in the company of similarly doomed friends. So, I have retaliated in the all-too familiar way: by retreating into my niche in cyberspace and venting completely irrelevant pet-hates in a burst of glorious procrastination.

Recent pet-hates include:

Hideous Facebook friends publicly becoming fans of “Spooning” or “Naked Cuddling” invites the kind of imagery that is better left to dirty old men and Twilight fan-fiction sites.
Shameless tweens substituting “omg” with “ome”, which stands for “Oh My Edward”. Apparently God is to the Pope as Edward Cullen is to every female under the age of fifteen. Although Mrs Collin failed to convert me during my PLC heyday, I am pretty sure that God does not drive a Volvo, does not sleep over in women’s bedrooms without the knowledge of their fathers, and DOES wash his hair. Moreover, comments such as “STFU BIATCHZZ, EDWARD CULLEN WAS MINEEE FIRSTTTTTTTT XoX MrS CuLL3n” or “Whoever comes onto this fansite and says my beloved Edward isn’t real is a sick mofo.” are frightening.
Facebook friends monopolising my pristine news feed with countless quiz results. I have resorted to hiding particular culprits from my feed whose “best sexual position” I prefer to be left unpublished. If Facebook continues to allow such inappropriate behaviour, they will kill social networking like video killed the radio star. Please be responsible and choose the Skip button!
Promptly commenting or Liking a status, only to have the person comment on your stalkerish speed of reply. Well I apologise for appreciating whatever you posted on the home page, which I just so happened to be reading at the time.
Listening to music on my laptop and forgetting I have my earphones in, but realising when I get up, walk away and drag my computer with me by the ears.
Train perverts and their not-so-subtle once-overs. Reflector sunglasses invite instant suspicion, and from experience, fourth carriage is particularly sleazy.
AMI premature ejaculation advertisements, especially in the car with Conservative Asian Parents. Imagine a parent turning up the volume during the news, only to have it superseded by a clearly enunciated “Do you suffer from premature ejaculation?” They do not turn down the volume because it means acknowledging the existence of the ad, nor can they make coherent conversation over the top of the ad due to its volume. Hence, you’re trapped in a silent car with your parents with “LONGER LASTING SEX” blaring unabashedly over the radio. The end of the ad is greeted with a collective inhale, as the parent oh-so-subtly turns down the volume and tries to fill the quietness with a lame attempt at conversation. Ah, awkwardness abound.
Parental sarcasm after midnight. In fact, parental sarcasm, period. Comments such as “how about you talk to more people on MSN; that’d surely increase your mark” while I am studying for a mid-semester exam, or “drive faster; I have life and car insurance” while I am actually driving safely is not appreciated.
Asking a MHSer to burn the MATLAB program for me, only to receive the DVD clearly labelled “NUDE EROTIC GAY WRESTLING VOLUME 17: OILED UP. Property of Melissa Tam” in permanent black marker. It was even worse when my loving parents discovered the disc while rifling through my bag for incriminating items... while I was asleep.
Uneducated patrons walking into a Thai restaurant, demanding Singaporean noodles and acting disgruntled when we tell them that Singapore and Thailand are located on entirely different land masses. Yes, how dare we have the nerve to serve Thai cuisine at a Thai restaurant! You’d think that such stupid people would have been long weeded out of humanity by Darwin’s natural selection.
Searching for lecture notes, only to find that they are a) right in front of you, b) already in your hands, or c) are accidentally stapled them to the back of the lecture notes in your hands.

And finally:

Spending a few hours of precious study time composing a post that confirms that I am a human FML.

-FMEL

Labels: Rants, Society, Uni

2 comment(s)